#29

*sigh*

Funny how time flies.

It’s been nearly 2 years since I last made a post on this space. To devote time for making blog entries has been impossible for me. I have work. I play my online games. I do house stuff. I spend time with my dogs. Making blog entries wasn’t as easy as it used to be. I have other outlets for my thoughts and emotions now.

But some things never changed during that almost-two-year gap. Still single. Still listening to those same memory-provoking tunes. Still playing the same games. Still reading the same books. Still worrying. Sometimes I wonder if I changed at all.

And now I’m about to enter my final year of my 20’s. Yet I feel that I never really entered adulthood during the last ten-odd years. My thesis is still unfinished, albeit closer to the end than it ever was. Marriage and having a family is still a far-off dream (it doesn’t help that I’m not financially stable enough) while my peers are posting wedding photos and stuff. I still live with my dad.

But I learned that it’s okay.

To be fair, it doesn’t mean giving up. It just means that maybe, it isn’t my time yet. Love will happen to me, soon or 5 years later. There will come a time that I’ll own a house (or a living space). I’ll have those things I desire someday. Though this hasn’t spared me from feelings of envy and anxiety.

Then this current pandemic hit.

A lot of my plans (big and small) were torn to shreds by the pandemic. I always hated uncertainty, now I have to live with it night and day. The things I love to do, now impossible.

I miss riding buses.

The isolation/distancing measures has also intensified the feelings of loneliness.

And seeing how the pandemic is being handled just made my fear and uncertainty worse, now coupled with anxiety and hopelessness.

It’s quite a thing to celebrate a birthday on a somber note. But I still hope for better days. The least I can do is to adapt and work to increase the chances of that hope being a reality.

At least, that’s what I hope I’d do.

Time to end this ramble. Maybe next time, it wouldn’t take nearly two years for me to return to this blog.

#27

Back aches. Sore throat. Coughing.

Of all the times to feel unwell, it had to be on my birthday.

But nah, it’s fine, I won’t let it dampen my spirits.

—

The past year has been a bit eventful. I had to deal with stuff that brought me immense stress, to the point that I was thinking terrible things to myself. Anxiety was also a thing for the past 12 months.

Though somehow I managed to weather it out, and things are looking up a bit, despite the pressure to (once and for all) finish my thesis from all sides. I do hope I can finally work things out. Of course, I would have to do more than hoping to get it done.

I would also like to thank everybody, online and offline, who made the past year bearable and wonderful. Here’s to more fun moments! *raises soda-filled wineglass*

All I can wish now really is that the next 12 months added to my life will be fruitful, fun and fantastic, if not better.

Bis dann!

#26

At noon today, I started my journey into the latter half of my 20s. As I’ve always been for the past couple of years, I can’t say I’m certain about anything.

The first half it was quite a mixed bag. I remember those times when I looked forward to Friday evenings only for the whole thing end up being painful. I remember another time when somebody showed the best and the worst in me: I can be a caring, dependable, adaptable person sometimes, and in other times I can be a jealous, passive-aggressive, hurtful fellow.

I can’t really say that my early 20s was bad. For one, I have my old friends, plus new ones I’ve met through the years. Also my family is always there. I’ve been strengthening my ties with them when I can. Then there’s the occasional dinner/trip to the mall/activities with my family and friends, which I enjoy most of the time. I guess I should enjoy life as it goes and learn from past mistakes then!

And of course, the fact that I’m still alive, enjoying another year added to my life is a gift in itself. As always, I’m hoping that more good stuff will come in the future!

#25

It’s that time of the year again.

Today, I’m turning a quarter of a century old. Or young.

Back when I was younger, I used to see this age as a time that I’m already working, done with my studies and settling into a romantic relationship with someone.

But now, I’m still not finished with my studies (that thing called thesis) and still single. I have a job now though, but my prospects will be better after I graduate.

Another thing with my birthday is that it rains almost every time. Heck, even on the day I was born, it was raining hard (and power was cut too, the clinic had to rely on a generator for electricity). I’m tempted to make a short story out of it, but it’ll be for another time.

I know my life hasn’t been all milk and honey, but I’m still thankful that I’m alive to experience it, despite the downsides. There’s still more good stuff coming, I hope.

I don’t expect any gifts (well, by the time you reach 13, you start not expecting gifts), but I would be happy to be with my family, at least for this year as it’s Sunday. Greetings will be appreciated of course.

—

Assorted Thoughts: +1

So, I’ve been busy doing my thesis and delving into my distractions.

As of now, I’m revising my proposal (with my pre-adviser) before I could present it to the panel. Though due to some unfortunate reasons, I’m delayed (yet again, damn it!). Thank God I have a job in which I get my provisions.

That’s that.

(I gotta finish my thesis ASAP.)

—

I think I’m changing into someone I don’t like. Or rather, I’m changing into something that I don’t think I am.

 

A couple of days ago, I thought I was going insane. But I think it was just…an after-effect.

Or this is another one of my paranoid moments.

Or maybe, it’s CHANGE. Maybe I’m just getting used to this. Maybe this is starting to become true. Maybe.

—

So, another year had passed and another year older. Strange thing about having your birthday when you’re an adult (or young adult) is it’s not as exciting as when you were a kid. Sure, I’m excited about it (it’s still a special occasion), but I don’t want to throw out a huge party or something. I would rather spend it with my close friends.

Or maybe, spend some time alone.

Oh wait, I’m already doing that.

—

Quite a lot has happened for the past 12 months, but more so for the last 2 months. Some things were given up, and some things progressed faster, i.e., my thesis. I had done more work in it for the last 3 weeks than for the 4 months before them.

Every year is always bittersweet. It’s just a matter of how much bitterness and sweetness is present.

Looking back at the past 12 months, I say that I’m better off right now than I was July last year. Thank God (again) that I have a job (even if it’s just to finance my thesis-making and gain work experience). Thank God that my thesis is working out better (even if I got delayed) than ever. Thank God that even if I feel alone sometimes, there are people who are ready to listen and help you out.

Maybe, despite all of the negative things that happened, there are still things to be thankful of.

—

Got some questions? Comments? Send them to my ask.fm page.

Assorted Thoughts In A Can: 23

I’m feeling old at the moment.

See, I’m turning 23 this week.

But, strange. I don’t care if I celebrate it or not. Or I’m just insane, most likely.

—

Most people of my age have started or already have jobs. Like this morning, while waiting for a jeepney, I met a classmate from my elementary school days. He asked, “where are you going?”

To the university, I said. Then:

“Oh, are you working there?”

“No, I’ll finish school this year.” I replied, squirming inside with shame. Yes, I was a bit ashamed. I know I shouldn’t be, because I’m (at least) studying.But you can’t avoid the reality that society expects that you had finished studying at 20 (or 21) and after that, work.

In another instance, a colleague from my (late) mother’s office told me, “22? And you’re still studying? I started work when I was 19!”

And that person said that loud while we were in front of applicants (roughly my age) in that office. Yes, it’s my fault I got delayed. But it doesn’t give people permit to tell me that just because I’m not working at my age (yet), I’m a bum or an oxygen-waster. No. I’m studying, and nearing the end of it. Sometimes you can’t really avoid delays when taking the road to self-development.

Okay, I’m done raging.

—

I’ll try to write another story soon. On what happened on the shed, 20 minutes before. :)

—

Don’t ever think that you’ve got time
Cause you can’t stop the passing years
So don’t ever lose yourself inside your fears

– Melee, Someday You’ll Be A Story

 

San Agustin 8847

Popopopot-pot-pot!!!
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sa ‘king kaarawan
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sa ‘king inuupuan.

Tara, tara! Maluwag pa!
Sabi ng driver
sa mga pumara,
nag-aatubiling umakyat
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Saan ho kayo?
Tanong ng kundoktor
sa mga bagong sakay.
Saan na nga ba ako
dadalhin ng buhay?

Ngayong di na kita makakasama
ngayong alas tres ng hapon
sa aking kaarawan.