Another Ramble

There has been a lot going on, so much that sometimes I just want to lie down and don’t do anything. Sometimes I just want to shut myself from the world, even for just a while. Sometimes I want to go back to the past, when everything was simpler and better.

Okay, maybe not everything was better. But the past, whether it was great or terrible, it gives me some comfort. It’s a familiar country where I know how things went, how things ended. In a way, it’s stability. It’s nice to look back at things and immerse yourself in the emotions during those things. Almost every memory that I look back is a warm, loving embrace even if some of those then-presents were actual messes.

Even memories of heartbreaks from years past is somehow a lot more palatable than the present.

I admit that my current mental state isn’t that great (given that the current pandemic and other shit aren’t very conducive to my mental well-being). While I know that I can’t really keep myself locked to the past, this is among the few things that help me cope with all the things going around right now.

*sigh*

This Accursed Year

Wouldn’t be the first one to say that 2020 was a doozy.

Started the year with a volcanic eruption, then by March, the lockdowns began. What started as a temporary 2-week measure became a month. And it still goes on, 290 days later and counting, with no definite end date in sight.

Bloody hell.

–

The whole concept of being not allowed to go outside and isolating yourself was novel at first. But as the days went by, it started to take its toll on my mental well-being. Being stuck at home meant I can’t do the things I love to do–going out with friends, doing a gaming session at a net cafe, riding buses.

Being isolated at home meant that your social circle would be limited to your family (or housemates, if you aren’t with your family), and friends that occasionally talk and check on you.

It also meant that gaming sessions in net cafes are stopped for now. No trips to the mall (though they’ve started slowly allowing it again a few months ago). No leisure travel allowed.

Even getting to work was impossible since my job wasn’t considered essential, so I wasn’t allowed to go out. And even if I was allowed to, there were no means of going from my house to my workplace since public transport was banned for some time.

The isolation kinda fuelled the loneliness I have been feeling sometime. I started to wonder if my friends have forgotten me. I’ve never felt so alone until a couple of weeks into the lockdown. But then I remember that everybody probably is in the same shit as I am. The only thing to do is to make the best out of the shit we are right now.

–

I wouldn’t be the first one to say that this was a wasted year. I had some things planned in mind: thesis, then taking a better position at my workplace. But the pandemic blew those plans to smithereens.

It also killed the momentum I had in working on those plans. Ever since the lockdown started, I lost my will to do my thesis. I try, but I just can’t muster enough willpower to do it.

If there’s one thing I regret this year, it was not doing enough to improve myself. But then again, I just felt not doing anything. at all. I just feel exhausted almost every time: from reading the shitty news about how the pandemic is being handled, wrong priorities and all, to the anxiety about not feeling safe.

I can only hope 2021 will be better. Even a smidge would do.

–

Even in this shitty year I still have things to thank for.

While I don’t know what will happen next when my work contract would expire today, I’m thankful that I had enough funds to carry me and my family through the worse months of the lockdown.

I’m thankful that we now have a proper wifi at home. While the connection speeds aren’t the best (in fact, it can be terrible), this is a step up from having to stand beside at the only window where the signal is good.

I’m thankful that my family is healthy, despite the fact that my sister goes out for work, and my father is the one who is the dedicated shopper for groceries. (And me, who have been getting out for supply runs more recently, ever since some restrictions were loosened.)

I’m thankful to my good friends for the occasional DMs and conversations. They provide a wonderful distraction from everything, and somehow my only avenue to use my whatever social skills I still have left.

I’m hopeful that these will continue on to the new year (and beyond!).

Fuck 2020, I hope 2021 will indeed be better.

#29

*sigh*

Funny how time flies.

It’s been nearly 2 years since I last made a post on this space. To devote time for making blog entries has been impossible for me. I have work. I play my online games. I do house stuff. I spend time with my dogs. Making blog entries wasn’t as easy as it used to be. I have other outlets for my thoughts and emotions now.

But some things never changed during that almost-two-year gap. Still single. Still listening to those same memory-provoking tunes. Still playing the same games. Still reading the same books. Still worrying. Sometimes I wonder if I changed at all.

And now I’m about to enter my final year of my 20’s. Yet I feel that I never really entered adulthood during the last ten-odd years. My thesis is still unfinished, albeit closer to the end than it ever was. Marriage and having a family is still a far-off dream (it doesn’t help that I’m not financially stable enough) while my peers are posting wedding photos and stuff. I still live with my dad.

But I learned that it’s okay.

To be fair, it doesn’t mean giving up. It just means that maybe, it isn’t my time yet. Love will happen to me, soon or 5 years later. There will come a time that I’ll own a house (or a living space). I’ll have those things I desire someday. Though this hasn’t spared me from feelings of envy and anxiety.

Then this current pandemic hit.

A lot of my plans (big and small) were torn to shreds by the pandemic. I always hated uncertainty, now I have to live with it night and day. The things I love to do, now impossible.

I miss riding buses.

The isolation/distancing measures has also intensified the feelings of loneliness.

And seeing how the pandemic is being handled just made my fear and uncertainty worse, now coupled with anxiety and hopelessness.

It’s quite a thing to celebrate a birthday on a somber note. But I still hope for better days. The least I can do is to adapt and work to increase the chances of that hope being a reality.

At least, that’s what I hope I’d do.

Time to end this ramble. Maybe next time, it wouldn’t take nearly two years for me to return to this blog.

And so, as it closes…

…let’s have a recap of how the year was for me.

Highlights…sort of…

• I’ve always been fascinated with WW2-era history. Back in February, I was reading a book about the Battle of Manila in 1945, then an idea hit me: what if I shared the things that happened during that battle as it happened? I decided to make a day-by-day Twitter thread about that dark chapter in history. I enjoyed making it, albeit it was quite challenging, as I still had to work and do other real-life stuff. And though I could’ve ended it better and use more sources, I think it went well. Maybe I’ll do better next time I try doing this stuff again.
• As April drew to a close, my phone got snatched while the jeepney I was riding was in a traffic jam. Strangely enough, I felt numb for the duration of the jeepney ride after that. It wasn’t until I arrived that felt rage, because I was careless, and panic because I had to block and if possible, to delete all data in my stolen phone. I also had to change the passwords of all of my accounts. Now I’m using my sibling’s old phone, which is way better than what I had to use after the incident. Still saving up to get a new, if not better, phone.
• I turned a year older last July. It feels kinda weird that I’m nearing 30, but nobody can stop the passage of time, so here we are (also, that is for another post). As for the birthday itself, it was just a regular day. I was at work, though I had lunch with 2 of my friends 2 weeks later after that.
• I felt a bit more glum this year. I dunno. Partly because my frustration at not getting my thesis done is seeping into my emotions? Loneliness? (that is for another post as well) Maybe God only knows why. *shrugs*
• Made some new friends at my workplace. They are mostly regulars at the library where I’m working. Sometimes I relax some of the library rules a little bit when they are the only ones around (shhh nobody tell that to anyone else). I had some fun conversations with them and I learned things from them as well.

Thesis?

This has been a topic of contention in the family since, I’ll admit, it’s been taking far too long. There had been arguments, and serious conversations, and we all agreed that I must finish it. And now, as detailed in this post, I’m waiting for my adviser’s answer whether to continue or do something else. While I didn’t manage to finish it before this year ended, I can still make it before the graduation ceremonies this June…if my adviser gives me the go signal to continue and do the gathering of data needed in my study.

Otherwise, I don’t really know. I just hope for the best though.

Looking forward to…

• Finishing my thesis (God please, let me!)
• Learning new stuff (be it a new language or lessons about life)
• Better things and a happier year ahead (please let me be lucky this time around, or better yet, let me make my own luck)
• Getting a new phone
• More luck in matters of romance (though this could be asking a bit too much)
• Writing stuff more frequently (or find the inspiration to do so)
• Be a better person than I was a year ago

And so…

2018 was a whirlwind of good and bad things. I guess one can say that for almost any other year. But one also hopes that the coming year will be better, and I do share that hope. May it become true!

See you next year. :)

P.S. This blog will turn 10 years old this 2019. I’ve been blogging for a decade! Imagine that! I hope I can make it a good year for this blog. Auf Wiedersehen!

So, here’s what’s going on with me…

*checks last blog post*
*sees “July 30″*

So, I’ve been inactive for nearly 5 months. This is because I just haven’t had the time to do some writing. I don’t think I can write that frequently anymore like when I first started this blog.

One reason is my thesis. I’ve been working on it (though not as much as I should’ve) for the last couple of months. While I haven’t completed it, I’ve made some progress, much more than the previous 2 years combined. Although, since I’ve submitted it quite late, literally at the end of the semester, I don’t know if my adviser would even look at it, since it’s the holiday season where I am. But one can hope for the best.

What worries me though if I can finish it before the new semester starts next year. Would I even be allowed to proceed with the next stage of the thesis before the start of next semester? Will there be any issues I’ll encounter after my adviser goes through my submission? Would my adviser even check it at all? Will it be game over for me? Again, one can only hope for the best.

Fingers crossed, then.

—

One other reason is my lack of inspiration to write anything. If you had read my previous ramble posts, you would be no stranger to this reason.

I dunno if it’s stress at work/thesis, or simply I just haven’t had the time to explore things and imagine stuff that would lead me to some writing ideas. I miss writing poetry and stories, yet I’m distracted enough that I can’t plan a proper plot or make rhymes. And, (cliche as it may seem) I don’t have any strong feelings for anyone at the moment.

What I’m concentrating though is enjoying things at the moment, whenever I can. Play an online game with a friend, go places (if I can afford to!) with another. Yet I don’t think my social life is enough at the moment *laughs nervously*.

We’ll see if next year (when this blog turns a decade old) will have better things in store for this blog.

#27

Back aches. Sore throat. Coughing.

Of all the times to feel unwell, it had to be on my birthday.

But nah, it’s fine, I won’t let it dampen my spirits.

—

The past year has been a bit eventful. I had to deal with stuff that brought me immense stress, to the point that I was thinking terrible things to myself. Anxiety was also a thing for the past 12 months.

Though somehow I managed to weather it out, and things are looking up a bit, despite the pressure to (once and for all) finish my thesis from all sides. I do hope I can finally work things out. Of course, I would have to do more than hoping to get it done.

I would also like to thank everybody, online and offline, who made the past year bearable and wonderful. Here’s to more fun moments! *raises soda-filled wineglass*

All I can wish now really is that the next 12 months added to my life will be fruitful, fun and fantastic, if not better.

Bis dann!

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Remembrance

“Like a declaration of war, it drew a line across the past and started another era. The oddest aspect of this new life was that it was so much like the old one.”

– The Winds Of War by Herman Wouk

…On To The Next One

After all the food have been eaten, and all fireworks are gone, the new year begins.

As usual, there is the usual start-of-the-year optimism.

The question now is, can it last throughout the year?

—

In a rare case of reaching out, my father and I got into a little bit of life talk.

Apparently he asked one of my godparents to hire me in their office. And their response was:

“Sure, tell him to finish his studies first.”

And that kinda triggered the conversation me and my father had.

“Son, finish your degree already,” he told me. He’s worried that at my age, I still don’t have a (slightly better than current) job. With my degree finished, he said, I can work at (my godparents’) office which is closer to home. And I can be confident to answer when asked about what’s currently going on with me.

I wanted to ask, “don’t you think I don’t have those thoughts in my head?” but it was pointless. Because, he’s right.

This has got to end.

—

It’s likely I’ll spend the first half of the year in my thesis (and regaining all the lost momentum and motivation first of all), and with luck (and maybe with some grit and determination), it’ll last just that long.

But I’ve started doing some things last month, now the challenge is to keep the drive going.

Another Year…

Funny how fast the year flies.

I haven’t posting much unlike the previous years, mainly because (as I have said before), wasn’t really in the mood to do so. And mostly busy with work and real-life stuff.

—

The worst thing in my life this year was when I got sick for nearly a month, coughing and sneezing this January to February. I can’t sleep properly because it would attack right middle of the night. There was this fear that this would be a sign of something worse. Thank goodness it wasn’t.

While it was happening, I had to learn how to adapt, especially missing work days isn’t an options (being paid by the day and all). To a degree, this has taught me about self-reliance.

Though I wish it would never happen again.

—

No luck in romance this year.

But to be honest, I’m starting to get tired of waiting. Despite some thoughts running in my head, ranging from bitter to angry, I know that I’m not ready.

There is a lot of room for self-improvement. I’m still teaching myself to relax and as well as to have fun in other things in life, without thinking of getting a girlfriend as the endpoint.

When that time comes, it’ll come, and I’ll be ready to face it.

—

There are things I’m thankful for this year.

I still have my job. My family (including the pets) is all fine and well.  Thank God for those.

Thanks for all those friends, online and real-life, that I’ve interacted throughout the year. Whether having a short chat after seeing me on the street, or recommending songs to me on Twitter, to those who went with me on trips to museums, food places, etc., I appreciate you.

Thanks to all those people, who hurt me, those who went out of their way to be an asshole and make my life miserable. You’re forgiven, but no, I don’t want to associate myself with you again.

Thanks for those friends and family, that have always been there through thick and thin, always ready to back me up when needed.

Now, it’s time to party. Goodbye 2017!