This Accursed Year

Wouldn’t be the first one to say that 2020 was a doozy.

Started the year with a volcanic eruption, then by March, the lockdowns began. What started as a temporary 2-week measure became a month. And it still goes on, 290 days later and counting, with no definite end date in sight.

Bloody hell.

–

The whole concept of being not allowed to go outside and isolating yourself was novel at first. But as the days went by, it started to take its toll on my mental well-being. Being stuck at home meant I can’t do the things I love to do–going out with friends, doing a gaming session at a net cafe, riding buses.

Being isolated at home meant that your social circle would be limited to your family (or housemates, if you aren’t with your family), and friends that occasionally talk and check on you.

It also meant that gaming sessions in net cafes are stopped for now. No trips to the mall (though they’ve started slowly allowing it again a few months ago). No leisure travel allowed.

Even getting to work was impossible since my job wasn’t considered essential, so I wasn’t allowed to go out. And even if I was allowed to, there were no means of going from my house to my workplace since public transport was banned for some time.

The isolation kinda fuelled the loneliness I have been feeling sometime. I started to wonder if my friends have forgotten me. I’ve never felt so alone until a couple of weeks into the lockdown. But then I remember that everybody probably is in the same shit as I am. The only thing to do is to make the best out of the shit we are right now.

–

I wouldn’t be the first one to say that this was a wasted year. I had some things planned in mind: thesis, then taking a better position at my workplace. But the pandemic blew those plans to smithereens.

It also killed the momentum I had in working on those plans. Ever since the lockdown started, I lost my will to do my thesis. I try, but I just can’t muster enough willpower to do it.

If there’s one thing I regret this year, it was not doing enough to improve myself. But then again, I just felt not doing anything. at all. I just feel exhausted almost every time: from reading the shitty news about how the pandemic is being handled, wrong priorities and all, to the anxiety about not feeling safe.

I can only hope 2021 will be better. Even a smidge would do.

–

Even in this shitty year I still have things to thank for.

While I don’t know what will happen next when my work contract would expire today, I’m thankful that I had enough funds to carry me and my family through the worse months of the lockdown.

I’m thankful that we now have a proper wifi at home. While the connection speeds aren’t the best (in fact, it can be terrible), this is a step up from having to stand beside at the only window where the signal is good.

I’m thankful that my family is healthy, despite the fact that my sister goes out for work, and my father is the one who is the dedicated shopper for groceries. (And me, who have been getting out for supply runs more recently, ever since some restrictions were loosened.)

I’m thankful to my good friends for the occasional DMs and conversations. They provide a wonderful distraction from everything, and somehow my only avenue to use my whatever social skills I still have left.

I’m hopeful that these will continue on to the new year (and beyond!).

Fuck 2020, I hope 2021 will indeed be better.

You’re Not Everyone’s Cuppa

You’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

We all know that feeling: we either want to be noticed, be cared for, be loved, be talked to, to be valued. We all want the persons we like or interested in to be just as interested to us as we are to them.

But you’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

Sometimes people are just not as interested in you as much you are to them. It hurts, yes, but that’s just how it is. Each of us (even you, dear reader) has in their mind the kind of person they want to be with.

Spending effort to force others to make you their cuppa would just make you repulsive to them.

Instead, focus to those who value you the most. The ones that chose you as their cup of tea.

Another Year…

Funny how fast the year flies.

I haven’t posting much unlike the previous years, mainly because (as I have said before), wasn’t really in the mood to do so. And mostly busy with work and real-life stuff.

—

The worst thing in my life this year was when I got sick for nearly a month, coughing and sneezing this January to February. I can’t sleep properly because it would attack right middle of the night. There was this fear that this would be a sign of something worse. Thank goodness it wasn’t.

While it was happening, I had to learn how to adapt, especially missing work days isn’t an options (being paid by the day and all). To a degree, this has taught me about self-reliance.

Though I wish it would never happen again.

—

No luck in romance this year.

But to be honest, I’m starting to get tired of waiting. Despite some thoughts running in my head, ranging from bitter to angry, I know that I’m not ready.

There is a lot of room for self-improvement. I’m still teaching myself to relax and as well as to have fun in other things in life, without thinking of getting a girlfriend as the endpoint.

When that time comes, it’ll come, and I’ll be ready to face it.

—

There are things I’m thankful for this year.

I still have my job. My family (including the pets) is all fine and well.  Thank God for those.

Thanks for all those friends, online and real-life, that I’ve interacted throughout the year. Whether having a short chat after seeing me on the street, or recommending songs to me on Twitter, to those who went with me on trips to museums, food places, etc., I appreciate you.

Thanks to all those people, who hurt me, those who went out of their way to be an asshole and make my life miserable. You’re forgiven, but no, I don’t want to associate myself with you again.

Thanks for those friends and family, that have always been there through thick and thin, always ready to back me up when needed.

Now, it’s time to party. Goodbye 2017!

It Gets Better

“Those early, failed relationships, or lack of a relationship, do not doom your prospects for romance for the rest of your life.”

(John Cheese, 5 Reasons Life Actually Does Get Better)

—

Image source: this Dumbing Of Age strip by David Willis

Worrisome

The last few months has been quite a rollercoaster for me. Personal struggles and all that. There was a time that I thought of stuff I shouldn’t, and a sense of foreboding kept looming no matter how hard I try to brush it away.

Of course this doesn’t literally happen, but you get the picture. (Image source: Questionable Content #2093 by Jeph Jacques)

However, as weird as it seems, I learned that I have better things to worry about. There’s my thesis. Just like that sense of foreboding, it doesn’t go away. Of course, it won’t until I’m done with that.

And so, I’ve moved on (somewhat).

In the end however, there’ll always be things to worry about. So many, that it’s not worth the time to be concerned about them. No matter how hard I try, the following will always be true:

• I can’t please everybody.
• I can’t do everything; I’m not superhuman.
• I’m not perfect, and that’s fine.

So it’s not worth worrying too much about making a screw-up. If I’m worried, that’s okay, I guess. That means there’s something I need to learn or I care enough about something that probably warrants my attention .

Like that thesis. Damn.

Assorted Thoughts: Thesis (Again)

A year ago, I’ve talked about submitting my thesis proposal.

—

Actually, after passing my proposal (version 1), it was handed back to me a week or two later with comments. Revisions. Then I stopped working on it for some time until the professor handling the thesis subject was replaced by a new one this year.

So, I had to talk to the new professor, introducing myself and my topic (the professor is a kind fellow). Then I started incorporating the comments of the previous thesis handler into the proposal and submitted it (version 2) to the new professor.

Then he assigned me a preadviser, so that we can work out a presentation-ready proposal. Then again, I made some revisions based on what me and my preadviser had talked about. Then I (again, sigh) stopped to work on the proposal for roughly a month. I dunno why, I wasn’t in the mood to write it, I guess. After that, I revised the proposal to include the corrections my preadviser made and stuff I’ve forgotten (version 3).

And a couple of days after I submitted the 3rd version of the proposal, I was told I was ready for presentation.

—

To be honest, I don’t want to talk about how exactly the presentation went. Yes, it got a bit awkward and I think I got grilled (but not charred). I think I’m also to blame why it did happen (I missed some points), yet despite how it went, I treated of the whole thing as an exercise on improvement. Though I wanted the whole thing to end, I thought of the presentation panel as just doing their job, and they genuinely wanted to help (through their critique).

This also shocked me in a different way: in an earlier time I would’ve took things like this badly, treating it like a personal attack. But not today. It was just a setback–mourn a while, then get up and try again. I can still finish this.

—

So, like in the post I’ve linked to at the beginning of this post, I’ll share another Coldplay song in here. I think this suits the mood of this post.

Enjoy!

Assorted Thoughts: Fünfhundert und Mehr

Post #500!

When I started this blog nearly seven years ago, I didn’t expect that this would last long. As I’ve said before, this was supposed to be a dedication for someone, as well as a place to express myself.

Somehow, even after that first purpose was, shall we say, done, I decided to keep this site going. After all, this have become my “personal” space, cranking out posts, stories and whatnot.

I would like to thank everyone who have read, commented, liked and/or opened my posts over the years.

—

Normalcy.

It’s the buzzword in my head these days.

It’s been quite long since that day.

And I think that somehow, things are back to normal. I’m even a bit weirded out by this sense of normalcy. However, not completely normal.

I don’t think it’ll ever come back to the point of being “completely normal”. Things had happened, and some things got compromised. But when I say things are back to normal, I don’t mean that it’s an end goal.

Normalcy is a work in progress.

It took a lot of self-reflection and thinking before it got to this point. Asking myself what really matters most to me. Getting over things that aren’t worth thinking about anymore. Gaining a little self-respect. Accepting that despite there are things that might never go away, it’s better to think of the long-term well-being of not only yourself, but also of others.

At first it was scary due to uncertainties ahead. However, as days rolled by, I’ve come to see that it’s not as terrifying as I thought it’ll be.

I don’t know exactly where I am in this new path, but I think I’m moving in the right direction. Even if I feel like turning back sometimes. When I do so, I just think that in the long-term scheme of things, it’ll be better for everyone.

Salut!

—

So, I took a 38-day break before writing these two poems and another 8 before posting this one.

I spent those 40+ days mostly mucking around (yeah, what a waste it was, I know).

Also learned that, among my friends, “thesis” is really a dirty word. Think of it as saying Voldermort’s name or muttering a really offensive joke. (It isn’t a big deal mind you, just look at it as a way to poke fun at thesis writing.)

Everyone’s been asking me about it, from my preadviser to my supervisor. I’m not motivated enough to start working at it, yet I know that a sense of urgency to be done with it is present. It’s just I’m not yet “in the zone” to write it.

Someday, someday, I’ll write you, thesis.

Assorted Thoughts: +1

So, I’ve been busy doing my thesis and delving into my distractions.

As of now, I’m revising my proposal (with my pre-adviser) before I could present it to the panel. Though due to some unfortunate reasons, I’m delayed (yet again, damn it!). Thank God I have a job in which I get my provisions.

That’s that.

(I gotta finish my thesis ASAP.)

—

I think I’m changing into someone I don’t like. Or rather, I’m changing into something that I don’t think I am.

 

A couple of days ago, I thought I was going insane. But I think it was just…an after-effect.

Or this is another one of my paranoid moments.

Or maybe, it’s CHANGE. Maybe I’m just getting used to this. Maybe this is starting to become true. Maybe.

—

So, another year had passed and another year older. Strange thing about having your birthday when you’re an adult (or young adult) is it’s not as exciting as when you were a kid. Sure, I’m excited about it (it’s still a special occasion), but I don’t want to throw out a huge party or something. I would rather spend it with my close friends.

Or maybe, spend some time alone.

Oh wait, I’m already doing that.

—

Quite a lot has happened for the past 12 months, but more so for the last 2 months. Some things were given up, and some things progressed faster, i.e., my thesis. I had done more work in it for the last 3 weeks than for the 4 months before them.

Every year is always bittersweet. It’s just a matter of how much bitterness and sweetness is present.

Looking back at the past 12 months, I say that I’m better off right now than I was July last year. Thank God (again) that I have a job (even if it’s just to finance my thesis-making and gain work experience). Thank God that my thesis is working out better (even if I got delayed) than ever. Thank God that even if I feel alone sometimes, there are people who are ready to listen and help you out.

Maybe, despite all of the negative things that happened, there are still things to be thankful of.

—

Got some questions? Comments? Send them to my ask.fm page.

Change

“Now it’s all different and I don’t know what to do.”

“Change can be scary, but the best we can do is try to adapt.”

“I wish that meant I could grow wings or infrared vision instead of this vague sense of unease.”

– Questionable Content #1847

I’ve been feeling “this vague sense of unease” for the past couple of days now.

It’s all because I decided to give up some things recently. These have been part of my life for quite long (years in fact), and suddenly uprooting them has created some confusion and conflict within me.

Or more probably, an empty feeling.

Maybe that’s what that vague sense of unease is: you don’t know what to do when something rather drastic comes and changes everything. It’s scary, but it’s an unavoidable consequence when undergoing change.

But after all, changes are inevitable. The best thing one can do is to adapt and hope that everything will eventually become acceptable, if not okay.

Happy Up Here, For Now

There was a time that I considered this song as my theme song. Sort of describes how good things were back then: a blossoming romance with somebody and a great academic life (mostly the former). Back then I was confident enough to face anything the world had in store for me–everything was great, I can do everything!

Apparently, I was too foolish to believe that.

A year later, problems arose. I was on the verge of being dismissed from my previous course. Me and that girl weren’t talking as much as before, to the point we’re both cold towards each other. Soon, I had to give up on her, and I shifted to another course.

For a year after that, my mind was asking a lot of questions: What if I was more warm towards her? What if I cuddled a little bit more, talked with her more often, visited her a lot more frequently? Would’ve that changed anything? And more. It was hard. The awful what-ifs kept coming, and every time it did, it was painful. The lingering thought that you could’ve said or done something, but it’s already too late is excruciatingly nasty. It’s like a terrible l’esprit de l’escalier. With your actions.

But eventually, I felt okay with the new arrangements.

So, what’s the point of all this?

There are times in your life that everything is okay, all things are going well. But never be carried away. Know that some things never last, that’s why enjoy every good moment. Savor it, knowing you might not be able to do that the next year. Or even tomorrow.

And when the crap hits the fan, know that it wouldn’t last forever. Just grit your teeth and soldier on.

Besides, life is life.