This Accursed Year

Wouldn’t be the first one to say that 2020 was a doozy.

Started the year with a volcanic eruption, then by March, the lockdowns began. What started as a temporary 2-week measure became a month. And it still goes on, 290 days later and counting, with no definite end date in sight.

Bloody hell.

–

The whole concept of being not allowed to go outside and isolating yourself was novel at first. But as the days went by, it started to take its toll on my mental well-being. Being stuck at home meant I can’t do the things I love to do–going out with friends, doing a gaming session at a net cafe, riding buses.

Being isolated at home meant that your social circle would be limited to your family (or housemates, if you aren’t with your family), and friends that occasionally talk and check on you.

It also meant that gaming sessions in net cafes are stopped for now. No trips to the mall (though they’ve started slowly allowing it again a few months ago). No leisure travel allowed.

Even getting to work was impossible since my job wasn’t considered essential, so I wasn’t allowed to go out. And even if I was allowed to, there were no means of going from my house to my workplace since public transport was banned for some time.

The isolation kinda fuelled the loneliness I have been feeling sometime. I started to wonder if my friends have forgotten me. I’ve never felt so alone until a couple of weeks into the lockdown. But then I remember that everybody probably is in the same shit as I am. The only thing to do is to make the best out of the shit we are right now.

–

I wouldn’t be the first one to say that this was a wasted year. I had some things planned in mind: thesis, then taking a better position at my workplace. But the pandemic blew those plans to smithereens.

It also killed the momentum I had in working on those plans. Ever since the lockdown started, I lost my will to do my thesis. I try, but I just can’t muster enough willpower to do it.

If there’s one thing I regret this year, it was not doing enough to improve myself. But then again, I just felt not doing anything. at all. I just feel exhausted almost every time: from reading the shitty news about how the pandemic is being handled, wrong priorities and all, to the anxiety about not feeling safe.

I can only hope 2021 will be better. Even a smidge would do.

–

Even in this shitty year I still have things to thank for.

While I don’t know what will happen next when my work contract would expire today, I’m thankful that I had enough funds to carry me and my family through the worse months of the lockdown.

I’m thankful that we now have a proper wifi at home. While the connection speeds aren’t the best (in fact, it can be terrible), this is a step up from having to stand beside at the only window where the signal is good.

I’m thankful that my family is healthy, despite the fact that my sister goes out for work, and my father is the one who is the dedicated shopper for groceries. (And me, who have been getting out for supply runs more recently, ever since some restrictions were loosened.)

I’m thankful to my good friends for the occasional DMs and conversations. They provide a wonderful distraction from everything, and somehow my only avenue to use my whatever social skills I still have left.

I’m hopeful that these will continue on to the new year (and beyond!).

Fuck 2020, I hope 2021 will indeed be better.

#29

*sigh*

Funny how time flies.

It’s been nearly 2 years since I last made a post on this space. To devote time for making blog entries has been impossible for me. I have work. I play my online games. I do house stuff. I spend time with my dogs. Making blog entries wasn’t as easy as it used to be. I have other outlets for my thoughts and emotions now.

But some things never changed during that almost-two-year gap. Still single. Still listening to those same memory-provoking tunes. Still playing the same games. Still reading the same books. Still worrying. Sometimes I wonder if I changed at all.

And now I’m about to enter my final year of my 20’s. Yet I feel that I never really entered adulthood during the last ten-odd years. My thesis is still unfinished, albeit closer to the end than it ever was. Marriage and having a family is still a far-off dream (it doesn’t help that I’m not financially stable enough) while my peers are posting wedding photos and stuff. I still live with my dad.

But I learned that it’s okay.

To be fair, it doesn’t mean giving up. It just means that maybe, it isn’t my time yet. Love will happen to me, soon or 5 years later. There will come a time that I’ll own a house (or a living space). I’ll have those things I desire someday. Though this hasn’t spared me from feelings of envy and anxiety.

Then this current pandemic hit.

A lot of my plans (big and small) were torn to shreds by the pandemic. I always hated uncertainty, now I have to live with it night and day. The things I love to do, now impossible.

I miss riding buses.

The isolation/distancing measures has also intensified the feelings of loneliness.

And seeing how the pandemic is being handled just made my fear and uncertainty worse, now coupled with anxiety and hopelessness.

It’s quite a thing to celebrate a birthday on a somber note. But I still hope for better days. The least I can do is to adapt and work to increase the chances of that hope being a reality.

At least, that’s what I hope I’d do.

Time to end this ramble. Maybe next time, it wouldn’t take nearly two years for me to return to this blog.

You’re Not Everyone’s Cuppa

You’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

We all know that feeling: we either want to be noticed, be cared for, be loved, be talked to, to be valued. We all want the persons we like or interested in to be just as interested to us as we are to them.

But you’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

Sometimes people are just not as interested in you as much you are to them. It hurts, yes, but that’s just how it is. Each of us (even you, dear reader) has in their mind the kind of person they want to be with.

Spending effort to force others to make you their cuppa would just make you repulsive to them.

Instead, focus to those who value you the most. The ones that chose you as their cup of tea.

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Foreboding

I worry about a lot of things.

It had a reached to the point I’m paralyzed with indecision. Or not doing anything at all.

It doesn’t feel right, yet I don’t know what to do. How do I get out of this rut?

I worry about the consequences of being unable to do the things I need to do, yet I’m not doing anything aside from worrying about those things.

They are there, hanging above me, yet I don’t know where to start vanishing them.

Unsent

Hey.

Sometimes I still wonder if I would’ve done something to change things. Should’ve I communicated with you more? Should’ve I held your hand back then? Should’ve I cuddled you in return?

I know these are all pointless questions. Yet they still show up from time to time.

You’ve once been a major part of my life, a beautiful one at that. So much that sometimes it feels like you’re still there. One can’t really fully move on from that, I guess.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve moved on, I’m not longing to be yours anymore. Though I miss being friends with you. I know we can’t go back to how it all used to be, but losing a good friend still pains me to this day, years later.

A friend of yours,

—

…On To The Next One

After all the food have been eaten, and all fireworks are gone, the new year begins.

As usual, there is the usual start-of-the-year optimism.

The question now is, can it last throughout the year?

—

In a rare case of reaching out, my father and I got into a little bit of life talk.

Apparently he asked one of my godparents to hire me in their office. And their response was:

“Sure, tell him to finish his studies first.”

And that kinda triggered the conversation me and my father had.

“Son, finish your degree already,” he told me. He’s worried that at my age, I still don’t have a (slightly better than current) job. With my degree finished, he said, I can work at (my godparents’) office which is closer to home. And I can be confident to answer when asked about what’s currently going on with me.

I wanted to ask, “don’t you think I don’t have those thoughts in my head?” but it was pointless. Because, he’s right.

This has got to end.

—

It’s likely I’ll spend the first half of the year in my thesis (and regaining all the lost momentum and motivation first of all), and with luck (and maybe with some grit and determination), it’ll last just that long.

But I’ve started doing some things last month, now the challenge is to keep the drive going.

Another Year…

Funny how fast the year flies.

I haven’t posting much unlike the previous years, mainly because (as I have said before), wasn’t really in the mood to do so. And mostly busy with work and real-life stuff.

—

The worst thing in my life this year was when I got sick for nearly a month, coughing and sneezing this January to February. I can’t sleep properly because it would attack right middle of the night. There was this fear that this would be a sign of something worse. Thank goodness it wasn’t.

While it was happening, I had to learn how to adapt, especially missing work days isn’t an options (being paid by the day and all). To a degree, this has taught me about self-reliance.

Though I wish it would never happen again.

—

No luck in romance this year.

But to be honest, I’m starting to get tired of waiting. Despite some thoughts running in my head, ranging from bitter to angry, I know that I’m not ready.

There is a lot of room for self-improvement. I’m still teaching myself to relax and as well as to have fun in other things in life, without thinking of getting a girlfriend as the endpoint.

When that time comes, it’ll come, and I’ll be ready to face it.

—

There are things I’m thankful for this year.

I still have my job. My family (including the pets) is all fine and well.  Thank God for those.

Thanks for all those friends, online and real-life, that I’ve interacted throughout the year. Whether having a short chat after seeing me on the street, or recommending songs to me on Twitter, to those who went with me on trips to museums, food places, etc., I appreciate you.

Thanks to all those people, who hurt me, those who went out of their way to be an asshole and make my life miserable. You’re forgiven, but no, I don’t want to associate myself with you again.

Thanks for those friends and family, that have always been there through thick and thin, always ready to back me up when needed.

Now, it’s time to party. Goodbye 2017!

Visit

After what it seemed years, I decided to visit your site, just for kicks.

Funny how much has changed since you’ve wished me “good luck sa buhay-buhay” via text years before. Reading your latest entries, it’s like listening to a stranger talking.

And it kind of hurts. It’s quite painful to see how much far apart our lives are today.

Yet, I’m happy. Really am. No regrets on taking this path. Things have been great for you, and to a lesser extent, for me as well.

Even if it seems we can’t still be friends for now.

Thought #544

I don’t need you, I don’t need you
besides I barely ever see you anymore
And when I do it feels like you’re only halfway there

–  The National, Day I Die (2017)