This Accursed Year

Wouldn’t be the first one to say that 2020 was a doozy.

Started the year with a volcanic eruption, then by March, the lockdowns began. What started as a temporary 2-week measure became a month. And it still goes on, 290 days later and counting, with no definite end date in sight.

Bloody hell.

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The whole concept of being not allowed to go outside and isolating yourself was novel at first. But as the days went by, it started to take its toll on my mental well-being. Being stuck at home meant I can’t do the things I love to do–going out with friends, doing a gaming session at a net cafe, riding buses.

Being isolated at home meant that your social circle would be limited to your family (or housemates, if you aren’t with your family), and friends that occasionally talk and check on you.

It also meant that gaming sessions in net cafes are stopped for now. No trips to the mall (though they’ve started slowly allowing it again a few months ago). No leisure travel allowed.

Even getting to work was impossible since my job wasn’t considered essential, so I wasn’t allowed to go out. And even if I was allowed to, there were no means of going from my house to my workplace since public transport was banned for some time.

The isolation kinda fuelled the loneliness I have been feeling sometime. I started to wonder if my friends have forgotten me. I’ve never felt so alone until a couple of weeks into the lockdown. But then I remember that everybody probably is in the same shit as I am. The only thing to do is to make the best out of the shit we are right now.

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I wouldn’t be the first one to say that this was a wasted year. I had some things planned in mind: thesis, then taking a better position at my workplace. But the pandemic blew those plans to smithereens.

It also killed the momentum I had in working on those plans. Ever since the lockdown started, I lost my will to do my thesis. I try, but I just can’t muster enough willpower to do it.

If there’s one thing I regret this year, it was not doing enough to improve myself. But then again, I just felt not doing anything. at all. I just feel exhausted almost every time: from reading the shitty news about how the pandemic is being handled, wrong priorities and all, to the anxiety about not feeling safe.

I can only hope 2021 will be better. Even a smidge would do.

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Even in this shitty year I still have things to thank for.

While I don’t know what will happen next when my work contract would expire today, I’m thankful that I had enough funds to carry me and my family through the worse months of the lockdown.

I’m thankful that we now have a proper wifi at home. While the connection speeds aren’t the best (in fact, it can be terrible), this is a step up from having to stand beside at the only window where the signal is good.

I’m thankful that my family is healthy, despite the fact that my sister goes out for work, and my father is the one who is the dedicated shopper for groceries. (And me, who have been getting out for supply runs more recently, ever since some restrictions were loosened.)

I’m thankful to my good friends for the occasional DMs and conversations. They provide a wonderful distraction from everything, and somehow my only avenue to use my whatever social skills I still have left.

I’m hopeful that these will continue on to the new year (and beyond!).

Fuck 2020, I hope 2021 will indeed be better.